a new journey (should 'a been gone!!!)

yesterday at 6:30pm I decided to embark on a journey that may or may not be my undoing. After 18 years as a loyal contributor to the great American tobacco companies, I have decided to give up my habit in an effort to delay my death for as long as possible. Jackie and I talked last night. She was concerned because 2 nights ago I was wheezing in my sleep. I've often had a hard time breathing at night. To tell you the truth, I noticed that my breathing was more labored than normal when I was a kid. The first time I ran a mile competitively, I realized that even though I won the race, my breathing was more labored than that of my competitors. So, maybe my lungs weren't in the best condition before I started smoking. Now they are almost certainly filled with high doses contaminants. I had my first cigarette when I was 10 years old. I was smoking regularly at 14. By the time I was a senior in high school I was smoking a few packs per week. College turned into more than a pack a day. When I got out of college it just got worse. I have tried to quit a few times in the past and on one occasion I made it almost 2 months without a cigarette. But as anyone who has fought this habit will tell you, as soon as you have one, you want another. and another after that. before you know it, you're a smoker again. Regardless of what the tobacco companies have told the public over the past 100 years, nicotine is a drug. It triggers the addictive censors in your brain and makes you crave for it. It literally will call to me when I try to fall asleep. It is also a habit. I am a creature of habit and have a generally addictive personality. This is going to be very hard. It's only been 20 hours since my last smoke and I've been thinking about having one since Gracyn woke me up at 6:30 this morning. I'm having a hard time concentrating on work; really focusing on any one thing for more than a few minutes. The mood swings haven't started yet, but I'm sure that will come soon enough. I just hope Jackie has as much patience with me as I know she can. I'm lucky to have a solid support team. Jackie, Gracyn, Evelyn; my girls will try as hard as they can to keep me smoke free, but they can only take me so far. The rest is up to me. Even as I sit here I'm dying for a smoke. I know I can walk across the street and pay the clerk $4.63 and she'll happily hand me a pack those beautiful white cylinders I've loved for so many years. I just can't do it. I owe it to my family. They're going to need me around when I'm 60 or 70 or hopefully 80 years old some day. I want to see my girls graduate from high school, college, grad school, have children of their own, play ball with my grand kids and die a very old man still passionately in love with the woman of my dreams (that's you Jackie). (Also, I'd like to be around to see the Kennedy files come out of the vault and enter the national archives.)

My plan is to keep updating this blog in the hopes that writing about it will keep me focused. I will be honest. If I smoke, I'll tell you. If I have a chew, a cigar, whatever. I'll tell you. I'm currently chewing the most foul gum you can imagine. It's really only one step above chewing a sweaty monkey testicle. (I don't know that from my own experience, but Kulifay told me about it once....nooch)

So, here I go. Shakes? Cravings? Inability to concentrate? Possible mental collapse? Bring it on.