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Saturday, October 15, 2011

iThings

Can't we all just agree that it doesn't need to get better than the iPhone 4S and move on to other things. Have you seen this thing? Do we need an electronic secretary to tell us how many times we've been to Wendy's this week? There are like 4 jobs in the world that warrant a personal assistant...but now the 15 year old drive through guy at McDonald's needs one too. Why do we need this fricken thing? In a struggling economy where every job matters, Apple is deliberately putting secretaries and personal assistants out of work with their so-called "innovative" technology. Boo this company!

There's way too much stuff that can be done on these 4.9 oz bits of heaven. You can literally be stuck anywhere on the planet and not have to worry about much. You could be at the bottom of the Atlantic, the top of Everest, Cleveland OH...it doesn't matter. You're going to know how to survive because your iThing will tell you. You'll have every smiggin of information you would ever need about the habitat of an area, who to talk to or avoid, what plants to eat, sleep under, pee on, how to communicate with the locals, how to root for the Browns (heaven forbid) and if all else fails play Angry Birds until someone comes to rescue you. Knowledge that used to take decades of study to attain can now be found in less than a second on a $400 9cm liquid crystal display screen. It's fascinating what we have created and how it will boost our future existence; how it will enhance man's contribution to this planet. I think we'll all agree that it's more important to be able to watch John Lajoie and LMFAO videos on youtube than it is to study the contents of wikipedia. We don't need to study. We all have fricken iThings to give us all the information that we need. So in our spare time, we have plenty of time to entertain ourselves with butt smelling monkeys and laser pointer chasing cats. It's phenomenal, comical, at the mall, and other things that rhyme as well.



So these things are sweet, everybody has one and we're looking into the future with all the power at our fingertips. What's the down side? For example, I was trying to have a conversation with someone about  a week ago and while she said she was paying attention, I found it difficult to believe because after I said, "I'm stoked about Ben's performance on Sunday. It might not be such a bad season after all." she said, "Lindsay Lohan's in trouble again." I said, "okay, I'm going somewhere else now." My point is this, should we be afraid that these iThings will alienate us from each other? We might completely halt the communication skills that we've worked over 200,000 years to achieve. What then? A new form of communication with no human interaction. It's not out of the question. How often every day do we interact without physical contact? You and I are doing it right now. So in the future are we going to need any human interaction. Probably not...but it's going to be a cold place.....like Russia. What will the bars be like? A bunch of 20 somethings piddling with iDevices trying not to look at each other...texting each other about the physical attributes of the girl sitting 2 stools away instead of talking to her.....you know who you are.

What could possibly be next? I'll tell you now. Steve Jobs is going to resurrect himself and make the iPhone iMplant. With this new-found technology, you'll just think a question like, "Where does Kulifay live?" and the answer will be implanted in your brain with no noise or distractions, "At you're mom's house, bitch."

iThings are everywhere, but please be careful; have at least one conversation with a physical person every day and bathe once a week whether you need it or not. It could get nasty out there....we'll all be 2 decades more knowledgeable and 2,000 centuries less communicable.


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